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the dog and louse

So I never post here any more, but if you have somehow stumbled across my journal, or perhaps one of a couple of people on my friends list who still actually post here then I wish to direct you to this website.

www.thedogandlouse.com

For this is my webcomic! Vague attempts are also made to 'blog'. So yes.
Sometimes I feel like saying "Lord I just don't care"
But you've got the love I need To see me through

So, this post is going to be my days work. It'll take me a long time but basically I've got a lot to get through. Firstly, hi, howdy, how you doing? It's been a while. You look good.

Now the last time I posted was November, so lets get the important things out the way. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! I don't post a lot but there are some important things that I always do around this time of year, and a few exciting things about the upcoming one. I know I'm a little late, but what the hey. I was even later last year! So first...

ResolutionsCollapse )

So I think that's all vague and fluffy enough. So news... well firstly, last time I posted Nano was happening. Except then it didn't. I loved the basis of the plot, but was one that needed a lot more planning then I gave it. The idea still interests me, so I'll get back to it, just not now! But, I have made some headway in another piece, the one about the end of the world, which despite coming up with the ideas always makes me feel guilty if I ever read Hitchikers or Adams, despite having the ideas before reading either... but that's what editing is for. But basically I'm on the last scene, and it'll have a beginning middle and end! It's too short, doesnt make sense in parts, is inconsistant and sometimes just rubbish. But to finally see it get an end is amazing for me, and I'm really happy about it! Just got to edit the bloody thing now!

But for 2011... so much fun to come. Major things include my first adult holiday. A two week stay in Gran Canaria. Such fun! I also may get to jump out of a plane for charity. Providing everything goes well (touch wood) I will become an uncle! And just... well it's going to be a big year!

Oh, one more things.



Soon, this will be my dog. His name is Reggie, he is from the dogs trust, and we should have him by the weekend. He is my present from Duncan for our Anniversary and Christmas. And it's kind of a big deal. Mainly cause he's so cute. But also, commitment! Woooaaaaaah.

But yeah that's it. Everything is cool and froody.
So I definitely haven't posted in a while. I'm doing Nanowrimo again. And this is me procrastinating. I had bad week so far. I'm tired, and kind of ill. And it's just not coming yet. I'm happy so far there's just this block on the next part. You know, the main plot. Have got about 4500 words, against a target of 6667 by the end of the day... It may happen. It may not. I need just a whole day on it I think...

I'm going to go have a bath. I like baths. (And Lush products! A new love perhaps....)
Haven't posted in a while. Whoops.

So what have I done? I went to London to see Sally! Well Essex to be precise. Had a fun time on the choo choo train and seeing her was good!

Been drawing again. Distracting me from my writing, granted, but it's a step!

Started Christmas shopping. WOOOOO.

Been working A LOT. Mostly related to it being closer to Christmas. But I get paid lots then!

Uh.... GLEE IS BACK. So far the episodes are brilliant but the performances average.

OH. I just won some cookies on Twitter. SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET.

And uh... I don't know. The internet has much more exciting things to look at you know. Go bother them.
Really have a pleasant week. Work this week are all shifts that start at half six in the evening, which I was dreading. But the two I've had thus far have been really fun. The only thing to improve my week would be actually seeing my beautiful boyfriend!

In other news I'm managed to knock out 6k of words for my book. The one about the end of the world. I do often wonder if it's a little bit of a waste of time. Especially when I end up writing sentence along the lines of “So how exactly do we summon the Dolphin of Knowledge?” But it's supposed to a bizarre book, so who knows! Lets see what happens in the edit.

But I'm a lot happier with the word count. It's just hit 39k, so I can't see it under 43k by the end. Then after a good edit I can flesh out the weaker parts and weaker characters, especially using various ideas that didnt come til later.

But all is well really.

Woo! :D
I haven't posted much over the last year at all. I don't know if anyone ever reads this. Perhaps Beci. But that's about it. But anyway, I mainly keep this for me and I'm disappointed I haven't looked at this more. So as a sort of rectifying I am combining two things here: a recap of my year and a my 100 songs of the year. A warning, firstly. I'm very top 40, pop-ish inclined. So yes.

The list itself is a countdown. It's some sort of combination of how much I like the song, and how much it's impacted my life over the last year. For example, the song Fascination by Alphabeat is brilliant, but the song The Spell has impacted my life more this year, so the latter ended up above it. And it's not entirely perfect, but it gives you an idea into my head, and my year.

You've Got The Love I Need To See Me ThroughCollapse )

how do you get up from an all time low?

Things to do tomorrow:

Email Jenny
Email Lindsey
Write 1000 words of novel
Finish the music post I've started
Other such productive things...
Message Carly

And most importantly:

Don't spend all day playing games

Now, to work!

this time maybe, i'll be bulletproof

So I've written more of my story. I'm still very disappointed by the word count, but the whole thing needs fleshing out like crazy, so it shouldn't be a problem. It's so satisfying that characters I created during my major period of depression are now completing their journeys. Maybe this reflects upon my life. I mean I'm here and safe two years later in the life of a wonderful man who I love like crazy, and there's no end in sight, and that's the way it should stay. It's really brilliant.

In other, less postive, news I have a funeral to go to on Thursday. His name was Paul and he was the estranged husband of Duncan's male friend. We still saw him frequently enough and Duncan was probably one of his closest friends. Duncan's good like that. But it was something to do with his pancreas I think. But I'm never been to a funeral and it's not something I'm exactly looking forward to. It's not something I've ever had to deal with. It's weird.

Anyway half two in the morning is not time to dwell really. I've learnt that before. It's a bad road. I'm up at this time cause I'm working a night shift tomorrow, and I need to change my sleeping pattern as much as possible to accomodate this. Seven at night, til seven in the morning. Tough! We'll get through it though.

I brought the first Christmas presents today. Scary.

I hope to bring you the top 100 songs of my last year soon. It's not necessarily the best songs of the year, but those that represent my life. Ones that cropped up for whatever reason, and the ones that I will always have these associations. And as it's September tomorrow then the academic calender starts again. So I'd like to do a small reflection, with music. Should be fun.

But back to writing. I'm got a world to end.
As a follow on from my previous post I would like it noted I have take a step in the right direction in one of my projects: I have planned an ending.

Sure, I'm not writing it very fast, and I keep getting distracted by whisky, and the internet (Doctor Who fans should see this if they haven't already. It makes me gleeful and perfectly sums up Mr. Tennant's captaincy of the TARDIS) but I am making some progress. I am navigating my characters to their final destination, namely the Grand Canyon, and soon the apocalypse will be in full swing and all that jazz. But I'm happy I have an ending! Just needs to be written.

The next part, editing, is something I've only done in two different ways. The first is really short pieces, that didn't need much change anyway. The second is going back and changing bits, and rewriting unfinished stuff. I've never edited something finished before!

My first plan is to have a read (after a small break), and pick any plot holes up. Then I'll flesh out the weak scenes, parts, characters, themes, etc, before going into nitty gritty sentence structure, the flow of the whole thing and such. The word count needs a good beefing up, it's really not how big as it should be. It currently stands at 32k, hopefully up to 35-40k by the end. But editing always adds a lot of words, I find. (Comparitively my other unfinished novel is about 52k, and has a bit to go as well...)

Oh how exciting! :D

this ain't a love song, this is goodbye

You know, I haven't posted in this thing since June the 7th, and I think the feeling behind why is a great deal of explaination for the prevelant feeling I have had recently.

Lets start by saying I'm happy right now, just to clarify. Life is pretty much solid, not really any issues, except those that involve skirting the dreaded bank balance of £0.00. But yeah, I'm happy.

But like posting here, or anything I'm interested in, I feel like I'm missing out on something. No matter what I'm doing I'm wondering whether that's in my best interest. And which opportunities am I missing and which should I be striving towards.

The best example is, as always, my creative hobbies, namely writing and comic-ing. I know I should push myself but over a year later I've produced about 25 comics, with no website, and I have two half finished novels. I'm not talking about quality right now, cause that comes with practice. But I'm just not pushing myself towards these things, even though I think it's what I should do.

How do I motivate myself whilst juggling work, family, friends and commitments? How do you push yourself?

(Not a rhetorical question! Advice would be grand :)

i'm super, thanks for asking

A while back, and I mean a while back, in boredom, I began to knock up my Life Story. I felt like spewing out about myself. And I wrote some sharing things about early parts of my life. Whilst deciding what to do this evening I found the file and decided to write a bit more. It's not in sequence with the old stuff, but it's something I found easy to write about. I may or may not write more, but here is part of my life. The gay bit. So yeah.

--------------------------

Men are hot. There I said it. I’m not sure if you’ve been paying attention, but I am very much gay. I like men, and every now and again they like me. Sometimes.

But the thing is, is that being gay is part of me. Quite a big part. Not in the way where I want to flaunt it, and throw rainbows and unicorns everywhere, but in the way that it very much helped become who I am. It’s a long story really. But I figure that if you’re reading this you should probably expect long stories. If you wanted a short story you’d try the life of an ant, or Paris Hilton’s singing career. But this is my life so we’re going to tell it all.

In the beginning God created Take That. You’ve probably heard of them. A boy band who came back to become a man band. But in the nineties they were teen heart throbs. And although I wasn’t a teenager they were certainly having an effect on me. It’s hard to properly fancy someone at that age, I couldn’t have been more nine when they split up. But I remember being inexplicably drawn to them, like a moth to a flame, or a fat person to cake. I of course didn’t know what it meant at the time and so I carried on happily.

I thought I was straight of course. It’s what you do. I convinced myself I fancied Baby Spice, and later, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. But as the years went on it became more and more clear that boobs did nothing for me, and that Angel was clearly the attractive one of the Buffy ensemble.

So what happened next? Well this bits boring. You can go make tea. It’ll still be here when you get back. Really. Go on.

Are you back? Good. Then the teenage years came. A flurry of hormones and changes filled my life. And that’s when it was set in stone. I never announced it in my head. I rarely thought I was gay. I just liked men. I went on avoiding the inevitable questions from friends of who I fancied. I acted shy in the P.E. changing rooms, even if there was a guy I at the time fancied. (He’s fat now.) But I had accepted it to myself. And that was it. I was happy with it.

Until a point. As I got older I accepted the term gay upon myself. I fancied celebrities, and people at school, and I definitely wasn’t looking at boobs on the internet. It had just become part of my thoughts. But two things acted as a bizarre wake up call to the whole coming out process. It struck me: at some point people will have to know.

The first, was lesbians. I know, I know. They’re dirty and wrong, but some of my best friends are lesbians. And at the time it helped me out. A conveniently timed show called Sugar Rush merged into my late night TV marathons and gave me a character who had been through the same things. The slight confusion, but ultimate accepting of who they where. Until the point where it was becoming too much of their life to ignore. This set me off. It put the coming out thoughts into my head. And they weren’t going to go anywhere/

The second, was a ginger. I know, I know. They have no souls, but some of my best friends have been gingers. This specific one, Beci, appeared to me in a dream. I sat her down at college and confessed I was gay. She didn’t have a problem with it. Dream-Beci was amazing. And it became clear who the first person who should know should be.

Now I’m not proud of the next bit as I acted like the biggest chicken in the world. Think how big the Eiffel Tower is, and turn it into a chicken. Good. We’re there. Firstly I told her, not in college, but by email. And the worst bit was how many times I didn’t send the email, and the one time I tried to tell her I had something to say I changed my mind before she had replied. I was so worried she would reject me, or worse. But eventually it was done. And we got onto the important business… hot male celebrities. Especially me obviously insulting Boyzone. But that’s not important. The important bit was how good she was. And how much Beci will always rock!

And so one by one my friends were told. It spread so slowly at first, I remember. It was like a big check for each person. I told my close friends and my internet friends. But that wasn’t enough. Next it was my family.

Like I said, it’s a long story, between me and my gay-dom. So for now, that can be it. I leave you with the thought that you always have a great friend somewhere. No matter how you feel, there is someone to make you feel better. Even if you once pulled out a large chunk of her hair by accident…

you say goodbye, and i say hello

Ugh, I really want to decide what sort of career I would like to pursue so I can go about trying to acheive it.

But I've never been any good at stuff like that.

Meanwhile... uh no. That's it.

Oh lets tell you about my dream. It's been a while since I did that... well it was Christmas. It's always Christmas in my dreams and I don't know why... anyway, it was dinner and we were pulling our crackers. After we had, my mum told us there was a scratch card in them, which suddenly appeared. In my sisters she had a weird logic puzzle instead, that she could win by scratching the right ones, but did it wrong straight away. I won £7 somehow on mine, but then I realised it was Guitar Hero themed so I found a switch and it started playing music.

Uh-huh. Genuine thoughts from my brain.

Tags:

national not voting conservatives day

I've already voted. And it's only half seven. Are you all going to be good, and go and vote? The answer is yes.

I decided who I was voting for on the short walk. Hadn't been sure, but went for it anyway!

Also, pie.

Tags:

We have a winner.

I am shit at finishing things. I always have been. I'm great at starts. I have so many projects I've started over the years. So many to do lists. Lists of lists. Big things. Little things. But I can't do them. No matter the system I attempt to set up, I just have too little of a concentration span to complete them.

I mean I'm sitting here and saying NO MORE. THIS TIME SHALL BE DIFFERENT. But will it? I don't know. But I'm going to bloody well try.

Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep. It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap.

Enough song lyrics. I've opened one of my most favourite lists simply entitled 'Unfinished Projects'. I have taken away those that barely count as projects. Good bye books I will read eventually and video games I will do without any reminder. Then I've culled those I'm not going to finish. Ever. They are moved into an abandoned ideas folder. If I want to come back, they're there. But until I get that moment, they're not going to be worked on. They're gone. Then, to split the remaining into two lists. My main goals, and those just for fun. Three main goals. A web comic in progress and two half finished Nano novels. And four fun projects which I dabble with sometimes, but I do so for fun, and have no signifcance.

These are my main goals. I can do other stuff. But I'm putting these out here to acknowledge these are where my alligences lie. No putting them off. This is them.

I Want Crisps, the Bertie comic

The Floating City, the humerous Sci-Fi novel

A Turtle, And Other Things Which Helped Destroy The World, a bizarre apocolyptic novel

It's time to start defying some bloody gravity!

Also, I have updated my CV. This is unrelated. But noteworthy.

everybody thinks that girl's so fine

I really need to find something to consistantly post about. I think this ties in with my whole inability to commit to a single project. I bounce around between my many interests so much I never get anything done. Still trying to think of a way to best solve this, but trying to figure it out.

My recent project is a new one: make mash-ups! It started as a Glee-inspired cute thing for Duncan. Which grew into making several for him. I've done Halo with You've Got The Love, Fight For This Love with Don't Stop Believing, and one that works the best, Up, Get Sexy and 2 Hearts. And it was really fun to do!

This post is trying to balance a few different discussions out... I don't know which one to go for...

I'll just post a short bullet point list and come back to it later this evening if I end up feeling a particular way...

  • The future is scary.
  • How do I get more of what I want in life?* Or at least figure out what I do want?
  • I love how these are the biggest of my problems right now. Life is actually amazing.


Basically it. We'll see. I may come back later.

*Ironically 'You Can't Always Get What You Want' from Glee was playing as I wrote this. Haha.
I had another bad day. This job isn't doing good things for me right now. Unfortunately it's little money for crap, or no money right now, so I must continue.

In an effort to counteract some of the other negative things in life I have decided to implement a Resolution. New Year's or not, it's time for change!

Simply, I will do ONE creative thing every day.

Like I've said before I need to make creativity more of a constant, rather than just 'when I get round to it'. I'm starting it simple as I can still have flexibility but I can get some stuff done and hopefully build up to something like a comic update schedule, or a finished novel!

There are two things I need to do now: an official rule list, and find a way to keep track of it. Suggestions for the latter are appreciated. But below the cut is me brainstorming on what I'm considering something creative. It won't be set in stone, as I could surprise myself with something different. But I need some rules. These are the only things I will consider as creative things. I may add to it when I need to, or just have some things that are about equivilent. But it's a solid list!

Creativitywoo.Collapse )

So yes. I just need a way to record it: a way to make me answerable to something. But I have no idea what.

So today, for the 11th (even though it's now not) I sketched a panda. The scanner I own is a fail but you can get the main gist of it. It looks much nicer in plain pencil but I had to mess with the settings so you could actually see it.

So yes. It's been a while since one of my CRAZY schemes.

don't call me gaga

You know when you get into a routine, not really a good one, where you're doing the same thing week in and week out? And then you have that week that just is so different to that routine? Well that happened to me, and it's put me in a mood. Not 'A MOOD >:('. But just a certain mood that is odd and hard to describe.

Well this post is making sense... now, where to begin? Well the routine I guess. Wake up. Do basically nothing. Go to work. Go home. Do basically nothing. Go to bed. Sure it wasn't quite that simple. But it's not too far off. And I'm making a point, so pay attention.

Then I had a weekend. I went to work. I went to Telford for my Dad's 50th. I went out for a friends birthday. I worked in a totally random store and then went and played Wii with Duncan's sisters. All within 72 hours. I then get more shifts all week, in the actual day time. I spend an entire day throwing up. And then, much to my utter Glee and joy, I got invited to see Lady Gaga at the NEC. I orgasm everywhere and have a brilliant time. I also bump into Jamie. Jamie as in, Jamie Jamie who before Duncan, and even before Matt was an almost sort of not thing. And you know, it's a strange sort of week to go in to after utter, utter boredom of routine.

So what am I getting at? I'm not entirely sure myself. Well, no, I know what I'm thinking. It's time for change. But the thing is, what change do I make?

Now this isn't a sort of hopeless WOE I CAN'T FIX ANYTHING sort of thing, it's just I'm very aware of an impending crossroads. It's sort of saying HI, HOW YOU DOING? from a very close distance. And it's the week of crazy differences that made me realise the crossroads ahead were looming so closely.

So firstly there's work. I'm not getting enough hours to justify staying there. And yet I like it there, and can see myself progressing well if I stuck it out. But can I afford to stick it out? Are good people and possible progression worth the financial stunting? Because that's another thing that's become apparent: how much I love money. It sounds so greedy, but it's necessary in this world to live the life I want. 'Hey Gary, want to spontaneously have a night out?' 'Well no, as I have about 57p in my wallet.' See what I mean? I spent so much time away from my friends and I'm missing out on so much it hurts sometimes. But that's a sidetrack. So I need a new job. But I hate looking for jobs, who doesn't? And you know, this brings the questions back over a career. What do I do? I mean *honestly*? Can I rely on my true passions when they are so... unreliable when it comes to carving a career, and when it comes to carving out my average day? I honestly don't know. How do I pick something out that could either make or break me?

And the Jamie thing. Let me just say first, it's not a regret that makes me bring this up. But just that 'what if?'. It's one of my biggest wonderings of the past, right up there with 'What if I hadn't messed up my uni career with a bad course?' and 'Is there any chocolate in the kitchen?' Again, I don't want to be with him, but seeing him made me wonder what would have happened if we had. It's just all part of a big reflective thing I'm at right now.

Which brings me to Duncan. It struck me the other day that we had reached 15 months. 15 months of a 21 year olds life is a long time. And we've always been serious, and now we're here, and so safe, and so solid it just seems... crazy. Like I'm a grown up now. We're not some young fools in love, we're a happy couple building a future. And it's just mad how I've reached here almost by accident. I mean it's great! It's just so unexpected and I don't know what comes next. I mean it's scary when you're at the point where you're the longest running couple you know that isn't married. Especially when you write it down like that.

So what am I getting at? Well, really it's WHAT THE HELL DO I DO WITH MY LIFE?

There's been a few moments of unbridled joy recently. Those 100% clear moments where you love everything. Singing and dancing with my friends, a cuddle with Duncan, bouncing like crazy to Bad Romance live, and a moment where I wanted to sit down, draw forever and never stop. And I want these moments to last longer, and it's right now I need to decide how I'm going to do that.

The above is where the post actually ends. This bit is just where I fawn over the Lady Gaga gig a bit. Contains spoilers!Collapse )

Okay, I'm done.
I'm in a terrible, shitty, shitty mood. We all know I've been pretty decent when it comes to moods over the last couple of months. (I say that like I post here often.) And I'm also so scared when I feel shit for obvious reasons. But I can't help it on this occasion.

You see, the main issue is work. I've really enjoyed working in TK Maxx so far. And even better is that I have been told repeatedly by managers how much they value my work. But you see, it's a part time job essentially. Before Christmas this didn't matter as I was bombarded with hours. Now it's after Christmas I knew there would be cut backs. But I'm working 9 hours next week and this pisses me off. Especially after being told they've fucked up our wages and so I'll get £100 this month. Good job my landlord is Duncan and no one else really.

I can't keep this up. I've been stuck with evening shifts for a while as well. This was shitty enough but fell under the 'sometimes you have to take crap when it comes to work' umbrella. It's been knackering me out. The store is always trashed, despite the fact there are staff in the day. But now on top of this, they're cutting back my hours. They've cut down loads in general but I've drew a short straw: everyone else managed to get four shifts next week. But not me. But I'm the one they like. And the one they know needs them.

I don't want to look for another job. I like it at TK Maxx. And I hate looking for jobs. It's hard work, unrewarding and depresses the hell out of me. And I don't want this to fuck up the good work I've done. But I also can't survive on fuck all money.

I'm just so worried how this will turn out. The way my life turns just suggests an explosion of crap at any moment. Even hearing this has made me feel like crap and I don't need this. I'm trying to make my life better but things just don't go as planned. And I'm just not the type of person that can survive all this rubbish. I'm not strong enough.
This is essentially mine and Duncan's song. D'awww.

In other news... there is no other news really. Essentially really bored at the moment. Working evenings which doesn't help. (Read: I barely see Duncan!) But I joined the gym now which is fun and going well. I work out baby!

Anyone have any hints for balancing projects and hobbies? These are all personal things, so it's hard to assign one more important, and I love them all. But there's too many. I can't write, draw, read, play games, do lovely things for occasions, AND keep up a social life. But I love doing all these things! Advice?

Also, Friends is finishing FOREVER on Channel 4 and E4! This is so weird. It's a staple of my life! How will I cope?

Uh... that's it. Snore.
I'm a little reluctant to post this. It's something I wrote quite a long time ago from a simple one word prompt in a short amount of time. I've since brushed it up a little and made it better but I'm not sure I like it. But in the interest of completing that which is unfinished I present it here with a little context stapeled on to the front of it to give it a little more context, and hopefully to make you care a little more. I think I've changed as a writer since I wrote it sometime in my second Uni year, two years ago, but I also need to get better at sharing things too so here it is! It's only just over 1000 words so don't worry! It would be nice if at least SOMEONE read it.

StrangerCollapse )

My shorter pieces always ended up quite dark. The previous two I posted are similar, and there's one more I like that ends up in similar bad places. Which is funny that I've jumped so much into a very light tone really. Talking turtles and monkeys in each of my respective attempts at novels. So take that as you will.
So throw those curtains wide,
One day like this a year would see me right.


The first person to point out that my New Years post is in fact twenty two days late gets poked in the face really hard. And I'd also like to note that not one of my top twenty songs of 2009 contained a great year summing verse. Except Never Forget which I apparently used in 2007 so that's out.

In this post I revist my resolutions from the year before and make new ones, which haven't come apparent until very recently, partially leading to the lateness of the post. But just a quick look at my last year goals...

2009, The ReviewCollapse )

But 2010 has plagued me. What do I do now I've reached this plateau? Well I needed to find the next climb upwards. And so I've figured out what I want from 2010. I want...

...to be happy with my body. Have I mentioned I'm joining a gym soon? No? Well me and Duncan are. 2009 may have made me happy but in an over indulgent way. And now I can do the happiness I can concentrate on this.

...to finish what I start. Like I said above I'm not 100% on my resolutions of last year. There are creative projects left unfinished, or forgotten. There are half assed attempts to stay in touch with my friends. And so much I just don't do in general. And yet I waste so much time. So I want to be able to look at what I'm doing and feel like I've finished things and done them properly. And not faffed around.

...to keep my life this way. This may sound weird and obvious but I'm not going down any slopes any time soon. This also includes any changes I need to make. Like if my job starts to suck, or if anything starts to suck. Just keep me happy.

That's it. I promise not to be as late next time!

oh, what's occuring?

So I haven't posted for ages, not since New Year. Someone make sure I do cause my mind needs a bit of a clear out! But I'm good and now going to bed.

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i gotta feeling...

So it's that time of the year that a special part of me loves: the list making part. Combined with the end of the decade we're going to be swamped in lists, but this one here is something I feel worth mentioning. I could make so many lists it hurts but we're going to start with this one and see where it goes. Here are my top twenty songs of the year.

These songs aren't necessarily the best songs, or even my most favourite songs of the year (most are of course), but songs that have been part of my life this year in their own special way. So here's my selected soundtrack of 2009.

From 20 to 1...Collapse )

Hope you enjoyed reading! Now off to finish a certain poem...

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I haven't actually posted since December struck. My month of Hedonism, Sin and Awesome is currently going extremely well. I have done something note worthy each and every day so far this month, including the day before it started! Having much fun and such and can't wait til Christmas! Been working a lot too. Very tiring but ah well.

Me and Duncan have officially been together for a year! Our anniversary was the 6th. I got him a diary, and he got me a book on 'internet art' which looks quite interesting, though a little on the heavy side for me to say, sit on the bus reading! But I will enjoy it when I find the time, I'm sure. But then I also surprised him with a ring. I actually made him speechless. It was just a present, and nothing more, but he sure didn't expect it. THe ring itself he had pointed out and jokingly sort of said 'buy it me!' but he didn't expect me to buy it, and I could tell he liked it. It has a diamond in it and everything.

Other than that, work and various fun things which I'll explain eventually. But yeah. Woo.

I would like to point out my addiction to this song though:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrO4YZeyl0I

And one reminder: SEND ME CHRISTMAS SONGS! I have common ones but I'm looking for more so recommend me some at least!
This is stolen from Beci over in her land of Welsh and such forth. I'm not really going to ask for anything significant, just things that require a little effort, not spending money of any sorts which would make my day!

Make a post to your LJ. The post should contain your list of ten holiday wishes. The wishes can be anything at all, from simple and fandom-related ("I'd love a Snape/Hermione icon that's just for me") to medium ("I wish for _____ on DVD") to really big ("All I want for Christmas is a new car/computer/house/TV"). The important thing is to make sure these wishes are things you really, truly want.

1. Christmas Songs
I only have 51 Christmas songs which somewhere along the line seems entirely wrong. What's yoour favourite few Christmas songs? Comment and tell me, and if you don't mind I may ask you to send them me! This is especially true of different, less well known, covers or such that are awesome. I want more Christmas songs! I can send you some too if need be. (Girls Aloud singing Jingle Bell Rock? Awesome!) But yes, songs! Especially you Beci!

2. Hedonism, Sin or Awesome
I've already mentioned it but December has been dubbed a month of Hedonism, Sin and Awesome. And basically I'm filling my life with wonderous things. But between work and a limited fund amount I am always looking for ways to make my life a tiny bit more awesome. So if you can in anyway make my life better in the next month, from a LJ comment, to a suggestion for something to do, or something more than please share as I would love it!

3. A Christmas Card/Other Mail
14 Dilcock Way
Canley
Coventry
CV4 8BX
Now you have no excuse if you were ever going to think about it!

4. Interesting Websites
The internet, I dare say, has become a bit boring. I seem to have a mere handful of sites I actually find interesting and so if you have something that can entertain me then do share. I can enjoy anything really, funny sites, webcomics, interesting things, creative inspiration, or just whatever. Share websites with me!

5. Website Advice
I don't really know much about the hosting and domain side of the internet but am ever pledging to get my webcomic up on it's own site, and hopefully have this encourage me to update more frequently, to a point where it is at least once a week. But I don't know where to even start with these things so any advice is welcome.

6. Things To Make Me Feel Christmassy
Youtube clip? Song? Memory? Suggestion of activity? I love Christmas. Make it so!

7. A new LJ layout
Since I got a paid LJ account I felt like I should... but I'm not in that scene anymore and don't quite have the energy. I'll probably do it myself eventually, but if anyone is bored then knock yourself out. It would be appreciated. Bonus points if you get in something awesome.

8. Readership and Encouragement
If you want to read my comics they are here. I should probably get someone to read my Nano once it's finished too before I start a second draft. But apart from that I want to be poked and prodded into my creative endevours. Yes. So do that.

9. Lilo and Stitch
This is the one thing I am going to ask for, cause I'm still slightly cheeky. But because of what I've got Duncan for Christmas I will not be able to afford the Lilo and Stitch DVD I was originally going to get him, and yet it would make me and him muchly happy. I'll stop asking for things now :D

10. Your Own Lists!
Go forth and post. I know 95% of my small friends list are online friends, but I'm all for putting in a little effort for cool people. And someone else might surprise you too! It'll at least give me something to read!

my gift is my song, and this one's for you

Watched Moulin Rouge cuddled up with Duncan. Feeling suitably loved up which is always good. Stuff is good. Which is good. It was a day off today and working only in the afternoon tomorrow so it's all good stuff really. Bored so I'm doing this.

Getting to know you...Collapse )

Do, do, do, what to do?
Having a funny sort of time at the moment. The pessimist in me would chalk it up to a resurfacing of depression where as the optimist would put it down to the overworking tiredness. I'm not sure which it is, if either, but things are quite slotted in at the moment. I just need something to do again. Been a bit bored really. I need a project really. After I finished my 50k I fell out of my Nano streak and I can't get back into it so I guess I'm at a loose end.

Then again December brings the National Month of Hedonism and Sin. Can't remember if I've mentioned it but I'm going to ensure that something fun, exciting, pleasurable and/or indulgent happens every single day of December to represent the month that saved me from a miserable life. It should be good. Official launching of said project will be soon.

Tempted to buy something I can't really afford for Duncan for Christmas. It's a nice ring his sister pointed out to him. She works at H Samuels so I would be able to abuse a 30% discount but would still cost £62. Hmm.... decisions decisions.

It's our anniversary soon. In fact it was two weeks yesterday. On the 6th it will be a year. How bizarre is that? This year has flown past. It's crazy!

Uh not sure what else to write really. Should mention I saw Matthew Bourne's Dorian Gray dance adaptation the weekend before this one. I'm too tired to properly verbalise my thoughts other than to say it was bloody good and I thourougly enjoyed it.

Ciao for now LJ!

Tags:

I feel less than stellar today and I don't really know why. The overwhelming urge to curl up in my duvet and not move EVER AGAIN is very tempting to be honest. Nothing is particularly bad but I just feel a little fed up. Work is tiring, and they changed my hours on Saturday to mean I can't see my parents with no notice to the whole thing at all. Except I could always do with the money so it's annoying. And at the moment I have LITERALLY no money and that makes things worse. And I'm just over thinking everything and being too reflective for my own good and I'm just worried things are going to end up in a bad place. And I'm not going to lie because feelings like this always scare me due to my previous history. And to be honest Me and Duncan aren't good with the whole opening about feelings thing unless one of us is in such a state that we kind of have to be more open. It's not healthy I know but... I don't know how to make it any other way.

I'm just a little emotionally full right now and there's no major outlet. Everything is just a little too taxing and there's nothing to take my mind off of it.

Meh, I don't know. I just want some time off to myself but that's impossible. I'm really not cut out for this working malarky. May go have myself a little cry. It's been on the edge and it'll probably do me good to get it out.

Tags:

I cannot stress how much precisely I LOVE Mamma Mia, and how much significance it holds outside it's awesomeness. It's almost like my more recent Brokeback Mountain in reflecting a significant period in my life.

Anywho...

My word count of 21,000 the other day for Nano, not only pushed me into a win zone, my first win ever, it also earned another bonus... I'm part of an LJ Nano community and the day I wrote they had a competition to see who could write the most. And I won! The prize was six months paid LJ account, which the donater upped to 12 months because they were so impressed. So I present this poll.

Poll #1485023 Paid Accounts

Are paid accounts awesome?

Yes
4(100.0%)
Yes
0(0.0%)
Bacon
0(0.0%)


Good mood. Yes, yes, yes!
God. This is absolutely crazy. I set out with an aim of 10,000 words today, thinking it would be a struggle but acheiveable, kind of like my 5k goal on Monday. I am now sitting at 15,534 words for the day and there is STILL TWO AND HALF HOURS LEFT.

I won't be writing constantly for that time but I could easily get another two and half thousand. I'm up to 43,736 words in total and it's just CRAZY to tell you the truth.

Even crazier my plot about sentient appliances, monkeys and a bizarre city is actually mostly holding together. Sure, it needs editing, but we've had conflict and humour in the bucket loads and it's heading towards some sort of climax. I'm not sure what yet, but it's getting there.

They are finally going to find out some sort of big secret which will propel them into the last stretch. But who knows what will happen?

I don't!

ETA: I kept writing as as the clock struck midnight I have, for the day of the 11th, managed 21,026 words. I am literally 800 words for the 50k total.

Today was INSANE. I won't be repeating it any time soon. Believe me.

Ugh, I have work tomorrow. Least I won't have to worry about keeping up with my daily nano goals XD
Something really bizarre seems have happened in the world of bizarre fiction. (That is to say, my world.) So it's day eleven of NaNoWriMo... and as per my last post I am still ahead... but as of Sunday something strange happened.

Basically Saturday brought about a disappointing word count due to a full shift at work and a full social life. Even though I was still *just* ahead, I was annoyed that I had lost my lead. And so on the Sunday, despite working I blitzed out 3000 words. I thought such a thing was impossible! But it happened.

Monday, however was my day off. Happy I could reach 3000 words on a work day I decided to aim high for a 5000 words day on Monday. But then something crazy happened. Well uh... I sort of wrote 9500 words. I found out that half an hour of pure writing, not distractions or hesitations can yeild 1000 words consistantly. Sometimes just under, but most of the time 1100 words happened. And so it went crazy and I jumped up to an unexpected 25000 words. But that was Monday...

Tuesday I popped out another 3500ish, which was good considering I was working and was feeling a little off. But now it's Wednesday, my second day off of the week and so far I've written 7903 words, and it's only 3PM. My total stands at 36108 and I'm going to keep going. My aim was 10k for the day, but I'm also now aiming for 40k, which is just 3900 words away. I think this is a better goal. Will I do it? Time will tell!
So the whole month of November will most likely fit into the following outline.

"Been working most of the week. It's making me a bit tired/lots of money/gassy but so far it's going well. On the other hand I've been plowing on with my Nano. It really makes me happy/annoyed/want to hurt people so far, but I'm going to plow on anyway!'

November is my month of productivity before December, which I will eventually announce as my own person National Hedonism Month, but more about that another time, as it's more deep than it sounds!

Meanwhile Nano is actually going quite well. For the first time ever. First year I tried I got about 3k words before totally losing interest in my story, and gaining too much interest in my social life. Last year went a lot better but then I was dealing too many issues that I was inspired to just 13,000 words.

But as I've extended my last year's attempt (to 28,000 words) I seem to have found my writing mojo and am so far up to 6200 words, which for me I'm proud with! And I only need 500 more words to reach my target, and it's my day off! So let's go get cracking.

Though through no fault of my own I seem to have created a plot strand involving intelligent monkeys who have no civil rights, including one particular monkey with amnesia.

My head = bizarre.

slipping through my fingers all the time

So it's the first of November, and so this means one thing: Nanowrimo! I considered not doing it this year as I've recently rewritten the 13k words from last year's nano and have been expanding upon it. I'm now up to 28,000 words. But I had lost the energy for that, and I came up with a good different idea, so I'm running with it!

I managed my word count for my first day so far, though I'll write a little more before sleep. I'm going for a sci fi dashed with plenty of humour. My story is about a giant city that floats the oceans of future earth, and the bizarre characters who live there and rummage into the secrets of the place.

My opening line is:

If you ever caught a glimpse of the city from the outside you would immediately notice two things. The first thing you noticed would be that you were wet, and the second is that you would be dead and not able to see any much of anything, even if the thing you are trying to see is a giant floating city.

It's going okay so far. Once again I have no idea where it's going. I have a few characters and that's about it. And it's exciting. Wheeeeee!

Will keep you posted.
This post just won't come out in my head. I brushed against such topics the last time I posted but I'm trying to verbalise a feeling that just won't conform to anything as stupid as words.

I think the issue is that it feels almost like two different posts, yet neither topic can really exist without the other... okay... well. Okay lets try something totally crazy here: two posts in one thanks to the power of HTML.


The Winner Takes It All
November


This is the weird, moody, reflective side. If you want happiness, try the other column.

The only music I listened to in the month of November last year was Abba. This was for two reasons. The first was my first viewing of the fantastic Mamma Mia. But the second reason was because I knew music was too emotional an endevour for someone such a wreck as I was then. And so I avoided music as much as possible until Mamma Mia popped into my life, brining Abba, and this song with it.

My shitty-versary is on Monday. That is to say the day Matt broke up with me sending me on the negative spiral that I ended up on. We've been over all of that before so I won't go into it. Basically, depression, a break up and pessimism led the undoubtedly the worst month of my life and it really screwed things up.

The reason this is all coming up now is fairly obvious. A year on and I can't help but become reflective on the last year of my life. And I'm not 100% happy with everything.

The month of November set me back a lot. The relationship more so. It cost time, heartache, friendship, confidence and me just developing and in some ways I never fully recovered. It took so long later to get into a position to get a job that it scared me when I had to.

It's Matt's birthday party this weekend. This part of me still resents how he ended up with more than his fair share of friendship with people I knew and loved before he was even a blip on the radar. I was asked so many times if I was going, having to point out that it wouldn't quite work now, would it?

And so as I look back I feel really kind of pissed that I was taken to the point where life seemed pointless. And kind of pissed how Matt never saw what he had done to me. I had screwed up, but I also tried to make amends. He's tried to avoid me as much as possible for the last year.

You may wonder why I started this with talk of music. There are certain associations I made in this month. The cold, Dead Set, Barack Obama, Nanowrimo, baking and trips to the doctor are all things that jump out to me when I think back to that time. But the power of music brings one song to mind. The Winner Takes It All. It really tells the tale of my life then: how I feel I was left with nothing. And just how big of a mistake I had made at some point.

If there's one thing I learnt here it's that you should never take things for granted in your life. They can be taken away in an instant leaving you with nothing.

Up
December


This is the uplifting, happy, positive side. If you want excitment, try the other column.

Music in the month of December was necessary. I was all about dancing around like a loon trying to forget the month of November and luckily I had some good tools for that. We had such brilliance as 10,000 Nights by Alphabeat, Disturbia by Rihanna and So What by Pink. The last one almost became my theme song in that week, if Up by the Saturdays hadn't totally made it irrelevant.

My anniversary is just over a month away. That is to say on December 6th I will have been with Duncan an entire year. I've been over how the rellationship started before so I won't go into it. Basically, depression, a break up and pessimism led to me being determined to have fun, and that's when Duncan happened.

The reason this is all coming up now is fairly obvious. A year on and I can't help but become reflective on the last year of my life. And I can't believe how far I've come.

The month of December helped me out a lot. The relationship more so. That month of pure hedonism was better than anything a doctor could ever prescribe. Friendship, fun, love and memories and it basically set me up with all the good things I have now.

It's Matt's birthday party this weekend. This part of me kind of smirks at the thought. His birthday last year ended in tears, but it just sort of reminds me how good I have it now. Even just emotionally I just feel blessed beyond belief that I can be happy now. And Matt could never do that for me.

And so as I look back I feel really kind of pleased that I could put myself in such a good place. Love, friends, a place to live and even a job. I never thought some of things could happen after that November. But people were right, and I will pledge to remember this if things ever suffer again.

You may wonder why I started this with talk of music. There are certain associations I made in this month. Baileys Ice Cream, drinking, watching films, games with Sally and shopping in Coventry are all things that jump out to me when I think back to that time. But the power of music brings one song to mind. Up. It really tells the tale of my life then: how I needed to take control and just take the risk. And the risk with Duncan paid off big time.

If there's one thing I learnt here it's that there is always a way up in life, no matter how you feel. When you're at the bottom, the only way is up.


But the thing to take from both of these posts would be my sheer amount of relflectiveness I'm feeling at the moment. I've even been thinking back further. To days of college or to starting uni. Some with happiness, some with saddness. But they have all made me the person I am today. And I like him. Sure he needs a bit of a hair cut, and could do with a few pounds less in the stomach department. But I have learnt so many lessons that makes me proud of my life.

If there's one thing to learn from both of these months is that life is an experience. And, good or bad, it shapes who you are. If I had the chance to live my life again I wouldn't make no changes, now or way back then. I needed everything that's happened to me, especially over the last year. Because everything that's happened makes me, me.

And at the end of the day, you're the one thing you're stuck with. So you may as well like it.
Well, what do we have here? Oh yeah it's my journal. I should be better at this. You know, keeping it updated. It's not like I have anything better to do... except... wait. I do. I have a job! Yes, since I last posted I managed to secure a job at TK Maxx over Christmas. It's not ideal but it's SOMETHING. A way to earn money and more experience to put on my CV.

It's going well so far. Nothing too difficult, and I like the people I work with so yay!

In other news I've been feeling a little weird recently. Anyone who knew me this time last year knows that it's around this time when bad things happened. The 26th of October to be precise. And there are just a few things that have reminded me of this time. Firstly it's cold when I wake up. Duncan's house is cold. But last year our heating had broke and so it was once again freezing. And so I associated waking up and being cold with these feeling. Then there's the weather in general and then there's the fact I have a cold. All of these things just remind me about the whole depression issue. It's a bit weird really.

But it's also worth pointing out how different this is now. Me and Duncan are still going strong. And it's great. I HAVE A JOB. Excellent. I am ill, but hey we can't have everything. But I'm just happy. A year has made a large difference in me and I'm really glad it did.

Now I'm off to draw some pandas.

where the hell are my pants?

I had a bad day yesterday. Everything is weighing on my mind like crazy at the moment. It's so stressful to have nothing to do, and knowing that you need to find work soon, or you won't be able to afford to live. 'Oh it'll happen soon!' they say, but they always say that and now we're up to about 14 months of this rubbish then it's hard to take anything like that seriously.

In other news I've been writing my book from last year's Nano which I'm enjoying. Still rewriting what I had last year, but it's going well and I'm plodding on.

I'm also trying to brain storm for this year. I have two ideas, one which ended up as a sequel to what I'm writing now, so I can't write, and the other is vague and kinda lame. Need more inspiration really. Something will come up I'm sure.

Argh. Life, eh? It's ever so amusing.

welcome to the internet!

It's weird being up past midnight and not being out because I'm at Duncan's. Duncan has work tomorrow and thus is in bed, but my sleep pattern is a bit fucked currently so I decided to mess on the internet and got back in touch with myself a little I think.

Sure, arguing on the internet is never a good idea, but you know, it's fun and adds excitement to life. And besides it made me a new LJ friend!

And in creative news I'm delving into the world of NaNoWriMo and am even enquiring about people who meet up in Birmingham. I don't know what it'll amount to but I'm trying to launch myself out of a rut! I think it'll help when my computer is back up and running so I can do some cartooning to vary my life. But that's on Tuesday..

On top of this I went to see Dorian Gray this evening. Didn't know what to expect as this is the first telling of the story I've seen (as I'm sure there are several). It was a little slow at times, but otherwise I thought it was a solid film, and with a nice dollop of darkness that makes me feel all tingly.

In job hunting news I may apply to Argos. Again. Sigh. Ah well.

Sleep soon... maybe.

stop trying to make fetch happen!

I don't know why but I've been feeling a little stuck-in-a-rut-ish again recently. Just a few things making me a little disillusioned with the world. It's nothing like depression, which is one positive, more like a day dream just a sort of... how more exciting life could be!

I don't have much money, and Duncan's always tired from work, and I don't have much excitement in my life right now.

I just think I need some new experiences but I have no way of getting them right now... it's disappointing really. Suggestions to excite up my life?
So life is good. Let's keep going.

day 01 | a song
day 02 | a picture
day 03 | a book
day 04 | a site
day 05 | a youtube clip
day 06 | a quote
day 07 | whatever tickles your fancy

I was going to find a quote, or song lyric that particularly inspires me or makes me feel good but I couldn't think of anything, so I'm going to do what gingerhobbit did and quote TV! And so I present you with the best Friends quote EVER.

Rachel: What if she jumped out the basinet?Collapse )

Not much going on. Have a job prospect for Christmas, possibly full time though which would be gooood. Going in to town tomorrow to find out more. Will let you know!

Duncan's been really sleep this week which is lame. But still. Had great fun with Sally this week! And will be going out to Brum this Saturday so hurrah!

Peace out folks!

the siiiimpsoooons

Hello!

day 01 | a song
day 02 | a picture
day 03 | a book
day 04 | a site
day 05 | a youtube clip
day 06 | a quote
day 07 | whatever tickles your fancy

I didn't post yesterday because I fail and somehow forgot. But here is a youtube video.



Basically, me, Simon, Pam and Ty all enjoyed that Torn literal mime video a lot, and ended up learning it accidentally. Since then we have kinda come up with our own to various songs including It's All Coming Back To Me Now, Total Eclipse of the Heart and The Fear. But for my birthday I had a small surprise in the form a performance of the new mime, Poker Face! Watch, enjoy and laugh.

We're so sad.

Anyway, as for a quote... uh... I'll come up with it tomorrow.
Well lets see...

day 01 | a song
day 02 | a picture
day 03 | a book
day 04 | a site
day 05 | a youtube clip
day 06 | a quote
day 07 | whatever tickles your fancy

Uh a website. I'm going to go with F(uck) My Life this week as I think it'll appeal to my limited friends list! It as an amusing site of short stories of embarrasing/terrible/stupid events that happen to the poster. Brings much funny and makes you feel good about your life.

A story example:

"Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML"

Sorry if you've heard of it!

Though something just as funny sometimes is My Life Is Average which prooves mediocrity can be just as funny as bad things!

A story example:

"Today I turned 11. I did not receive a letter from Hogwarts. MLIA"

And to round this all up there is My Life Is Good which serves as a much more inspirational site.

A story example:

"Today I was declared to be cancer free for the first time in six years. MLIG."</a>

The second two are made by someone different but they're all good sites! And I like the trinity they form.

Job interview went okay. It at least didn't go badly which is good! Will here in a few weeks either way so hurrah!

Yay it's Sally time soon!
Okay so I totally forgot to post yesterday because I got caught up in the laziness of Sunday's. But ah well, we'll do my Sunday post now and my today post later! That makes sense.

day 01 | a song
day 02 | a picture
day 03 | a book
day 04 | a site
day 05 | a youtube clip
day 06 | a quote
day 07 | whatever tickles your fancy

I read a lot of random random books. Along with music, movies and to a lesser extent TV shows, I can enjoy any genre of a book providing it's half decent and so choosing one particular book out of all the ones I enjoy is hard.

And so I will choose a book from one of my favourite authors mainly because not many know about him. His name is Michael Marshall Smith, though he has released some books under Michael Marshall in a different genre (which I have not read yet). The book I will choose will be the first one I read called Only Forward. To summarise the book without ruining anything, the main Character is called Stark and he is hired to help find someone who's gone missing. Which sounds like average mystery drama. But this isn't for two reasons: the first is the setting. In all three of his novels he creates amazing settings, perhaps a peak into the future or just another world, but one similar to ours. In this one each neighbourhood is seperated from each other, each having a sort of theme. Stark lives in Colour, a neighbourhood whose inhabitants like to be co-ordinated with their surroundings. Then there's the slums of Red. Then there is a neighbourhood entirely for cats. You get the picture. Though I sometimes wish they ended up in a few more different neighbourhoods you soon get distracted by the second reason this isn't an average book which is severe mind fuck. I read this book without any preconceived notions on what it was about at all and half way through this book things just get a little crazy. In this book the characters eventually end up in a somewhat dream world called Jeamland. And that's when things get crazy.

The thing I like about this book, and indeed all of his books is that they are just different and on top of that they are still amazingly written including a few good old fashioned twists. And I mean I've now read all of his books (One Of Us, Spares and also a collection of short stories called What You Make It) and I love them all.

But yes that's my book.

In other news I have a job interview today. Hurrah! Nervous but trying not to think about it. But then tomorrow Sally is coming to visit. Yay!
I'm really kind of bored today. I don't know why, but do you just have days where whatever you do you just can't get involved in anything

day 01 | a song
day 02 | a picture
day 03 | a book
day 04 | a site
day 05 | a youtube clip
day 06 | a quote
day 07 | whatever tickles your fancy

I don't often post pictures of myself here. There's always the odd occasion but it's very few and far between. But I realised that I may have never posted a picture of Duncan, and so my picture is one of us both.
Me and DuncanCollapse )
It was taken before Duncan's PGCE ball which I attended. Was a bit of a random night but still. Don't we make the cutest couple ever? I know right.

Ugh what to do. I tried video gaming but it's not the right mood for that. I could go finish Time Travellers Wife so I can move on to a different book. Or I could go write some more... I don't know. Argh... I'm sure I'll find something... but it is only 12!
I stole this from Ms. gingerhobbit as I like the idea of it, and hey, maybe I'll actually post for the next seven days... though I may need reminded.

day 01 | a song
day 02 | a picture
day 03 | a book
day 04 | a site
day 05 | a youtube clip
day 06 | a quote
day 07 | whatever tickles your fancy

My song is Leave The Bourbon On The Shelf by the Killers. I looked down the list I'm compiling of my favourite songs, and I didn't want to pick anything obvious. And I came down to this. This is my favourite Killers song that hasn't been released. It's off the album of B-Sides and Rarities, Sawdust. But more importantly it's the missing part of the Murder Trilogy which takes the form of this, Midnight Show and Jenny Was A Friend Of Mine.

The Killers are my favourite band and I just think this song shows their strengths. And I absolutely love the story these three songs create. The Killers have this way of weaving tales and stories in their songs that I haven't really found anywhere else.

I think I'm going to (try) and do this, every single day. Just keep rotating through until I get bored with it! Tomorrow, a picture. Hmm...

In other news, I am officially a resident of 14 Dilcock Road, also known as Duncan's house! I moved in Saturday with the help of the parentals. Unpacked pretty quickly and have settled nicely. Well I did basically live here anyway, except now my stuff is here and I pay rent! Spent the week doing various things: job hunting, reading (currently re-reading The Time Travellers Wife as I saw the film the other week and it made me want to re-read it), gaming (Just finished Ratchet and Clank. Great game!), and I've started up writing my end of the world novel from last year's NaNoWriMo. Which will be here again soon! I may do what I did last year and spend a week or so before finding a starting line, or a vague idea and see where it goes! It worked last year! And if I plan something too much I get bored with it.

I really need a hair cut.
Ah this song. Someone remind me within in the next week to do a big looking back post. I've been very nostalgic recently about the past year. It's been a strange one don't you agree.

I've perked up from the other day. This week hasn't been my favourite for many reasons, but now it's over I think things will be better. Yes yes.

I don't know if I mentioned but I stopped taking my drugs. I don't even know if I mentioned I was on them. But I was taking Citalopram, and anti-depressant for like 6 months but I've been doing good so when I ran out of drugs (and ahem sorta lost a prescription from a while back that I got too soon) I decided to stay off them. I'd been missing them for a while and surviving so I thought that was the best time to try. It's not been entirely smooth but I think it's mostly life right now. It's awkward. If it gets bad again I'll go back on them but until them I want to try things on my own. This week has been a worry, but like I said, I think it's mostly because it's a strange place.

Okay I think this is turning into the post I said I should write up there!

A year ago it was the summer holidays. I had not long quit my university course and had faced my first period of job seeking, and also a summer without my then boyfriend Matt. I almost wrote 'my beloved Matt' but I don't think the internet portrays sarcasm correctly. Haha. September was average as far as my life goes. But then there is October. Several key events. Matts actual birthday was a lovely coupley evening. I was on top form as a boyfriend. Matt's night out birthday, arguement starts thanks to my depression but him being a bit of a dick. A week later we break up. The end.

My relationship with Matt is a strange one. At the time it was everything I wanted but it's thanks to my depression that I realise it wasn't as great as I thought. There were so many faults there. I mean Duncan has his faults, but not like Matt did. He had big faults about stuff like the future.

But we broke up. Cue the worst month of my life ever. It's funny that the break up itself wasn't the issue that plagued most of that month, it was the position it left me in. I got over Matt quicker than most crushes (see: Ryan and Jamie) but the effect of feeling like I have no ties to the world other than a family and a couple of friends felt like not enough back then.

And what saved me? Boredom, Sally, Tom, Phil and the Kami Lounge. Way back at the end of November I was bored of home. I was been reassigned there almost permanently after a brief visit lead to me realising I couldn't cope on my own. But Telford is boring. I mean my family work all day and then in the evening not much happens (though I did see Mamma Mia in this time, giving it another significance point) and so I yearned for my friends in Coventry, leading to a weekend.

I got the train over and ended up coincidentally bumping into Pam, Ty and Tegan and so we did lunch and gossiped. The Saturday night could have turned ugly but my sheer determination to have a good weekend paid off despite Matt maintaining his 'oh we broke up, it MUST be awkward' stance (which continues to this day). But I ranted to Fran to get it out of my head. I can't remember what I did that Sunday. I might have seen Sally or something... I'll go check the archive... apparently 'Sunday I had a relaxing day in'. I don't quite know what that means, but either talking to Jenny or watching a film or something. And then came Monday. I was leaving Coventry Monday at 7pm, picked up by my dad. The Pride social runs 4 to 6pm on Monday so thats why I was leaving then, and thought I'd see a few friends. And so Sally, one of my best friends I've made to be honest, and Phil and Tom, with input from others had a great social, leaving me with the urge for more.

And so December happened. I was going up for the last week of term for the party bits... and one invitation lead to another (nights out, days in, coffees, meals and so forth...) and I ended up staying until just a couple of days before Christmas. But of course there's two major factors: my friends and of course Duncan. And I owe them so much. They made December amazing and opened up the life I have now.

There have been less defining moments of this year like I can lay out of the last. But of course Duncan is the major factor in my life. Over the last year I have battled with my mental health, my employment (or lack of it), my social situation and life in general. And so I've reached here.

I mean it's not all okay. I'm not stupidly optimistic. But I'm okay. That's the important thing. I have so many friends, and so many who care. And then there's Duncan. What relationships should be. We've had our odd issue which I've never really expressed, but I've never really expressed them because they've never really mattered when compared to the rest. I love this man and next week I will be living with him.

A comparison with Matt was always inevitable at the beginning. My friend Niki, even warned me not the compare the two. But the thing was, Duncan won all accounts. He was more attractive and we were immediately more similar and then there were superficial things like he was always going to be in Coventry, and he had his own circle of friends, and didn't need to share mine. It was good. And in the long run the comparison held true. I can't think of a thing that Matt trumps Duncan on except being more ginger, or living further north. I am so happy with Duncan I can't express.

Of course this year has held another personal surprise in the start of something. That something is my comic. I've had artistic aspirations since I was a child, and even when I've reached the internet we've seen The Life of Gary (a stick figure production...), Neopets comics, Random Thoughts, an untitled failed attempt, Made of Awesome and then we reach now. Currently titled 'The Duck and Pie' I have produced 13 (and a half) webcomics and still fully intend to publish them on my own website. They are already on Facebook and have several fans much to my joy. And maybe it won't take off, but right now I'm looking towards the sky with it, and hoping. It's going to happen it will!

These are my two biggest accomplishments of the year. The (almost) 9 month relationship of Duncan and my comic. But there are a million joys of this year. I can never list them all just because there are so many.

But the biggest joy is that I have joy.

That sounds as cheesey as hell, but hopefully you'll have context to this. My life has never been the greatest but this year has giving me so many joys I never though I'd have. I don't think I could thank people enough. About three people will read this, but I hope to spread the love that's been given to me back out to everyone I love over time.

I guess that it's the world that we live in, and it's never too late for anything. Thank you life for this great existence.
I have my interview thing for the apprenticeship tomorrow and I'm really starting to doubt whether it's the best thing to do. I'll be earning less than I have been on benefits all year, and I'm not even certain it's what I want to do. I mean it sounds cool and everything but it's another year, or more, where I could be doing something else, being paid more. I just don't know what to do with my life. I just want a job and some money. ARGH. Stresses.
So I've just applied for an apprenticeship. It came out of the blue but I had a browse for jobs this morning and ended up on the website to find they have a Web Developer apprenticeship in Coventry. It could be ideal for me really. The wage would be £95 a week which would be more than job seekers, and of course gives me actual career development. Fingers crossed eh?

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you better go get your armour

I'm not having the best of weeks if I'm being totally honest. I'm just in one of those periods were *everything* seems high tension and I'm just generally worried. I hate having anxiety issues, and it's the only real issue that would declare me as 'totally over' my depression.

My main issue revolves around me getting a job. I have been officially out of work for about 14 months now, and thats if you don't include all the months I spent not in Uni but still technically a student. Sure I was too sick to work for a chunk of it, but except for a couple of those months I've been applying to jobs and barely got replies, let alone interviews. And that is so disheartening. I mean I know I don't have much experience but even the easiest jobs I get rejected for.

The worst thing about this at the moment is the condition surrounding my living conditions. Duncan said I can only move in with him if I get a job. My lease runs out end of August. I don't have a job. Spot the issue? I don't know how much rent he pays to his dad, but I don't think it's much, and if you take into account he now has another roommate, if the only benefit I got was jobseekers I could give him most, if not all, of the required money, for my part of the rent, which considering I basically live there anyway will be a big help. But I'm scared to talk about it to him in case he says no, which pretty much messes up a lot of things.

I just want a job.

i never meant to start a war

So over the weeks since I've started it, I've been plodding happily along with the list and out of all of my lists I've been doing quite well. As well as chipping away at goals that require many parts, I have also completed a total of 6 goals, in about two months, which is a good rate really. Ones I've done include giving up strongbow, going to a gig, in the form of La Roux, and with my birthday money I brought me a new wallet. But my latest accomplishment comes in the form of finally, after many many years, beating Minesweeper on Expert mode! My score was 318, but I'm happy with that. Go me!

In other news, we're plodding along. Still don't have a job but ehhh. I've applied to a few but it's getting stupid now.

In happier news, it was Duncan's birthday on Tuesday. On the evening we went and had food and drinks which was nice, but the day before was my favourite part, cause it was the cute lovely part. I gave him his box of joy, filled with presents that I know he'd love (and he did) and I also cooked a lovely grilled tuna with chilli salsa, served on a bed of cous cous and grilled vegtables. It was lovely I tell ya!

And I'm hungry so I'm going to make lunch.

the beginning... of the duck and pie

I have officially chosen the name The Duck and Pie for my comic. I've been dillydallying over it for too long and it's a perfectly good name, that suits the tone, and has relevence (in which it is the name of the pub the characters frequent).

There are two near simultaneous next steps. One is to get a domain and host, which is the bit I'm most clueless about at the moment. So any hints on that are welcome. The second is to design the branding and website of the comic. For the first step I have knocked up two rough website drafts. Which do you think looks best? Or something else entirely? The pub sign is just a quick doodle and may not stay like that. And nothing is to scale.

Two Ducks and Two PiesCollapse )

Next will come the colour scheme.... ugh... where to even start? Well I guess decide what colours the pub will be and see if they work.

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